Your life in six words

The New Yorker talks a bit about a new book, Not Quite What I Was Planning, and all the little life stories written by famous people in six words.

A compilation of teeny tiny memoirs. The forebear, it’s assumed, is Hemingway. (Legend: he wrote a miniature masterpiece. “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Slightly sappy, but a decent sixer.)

It made me think of a much older post at Kottke where readers chimed in on their own six word stories. Wired’s archive has a great compilation of six word stories from well-known writers and designers. Here are some that I am particularly fond of:

Failed SAT. Lost scholarship. Invented rocket.
- William Shatner

Gown removed carelessly. Head, less so.
- Joss Whedon

His penis snapped off; he’s pregnant!
- Rudy Rucker

I’m dead. I’ve missed you. Kiss … ?
- Neil Gaiman

I saw, darling, but do lie.
- Orson Scott Card

Secret shoppers and the dirty things they eat

Wired recently published an article on secret shoppers and their underground network of workers for Consumer Reports. It’s short but quite insightful for those who’ve been curious as to how secret shopping and product review works. One thing I never really considered was the ’secret’ part of secret shopping. I suppose you’re really not supposed to let anyone know your agenda.

But Jon’s favorite story by far is the ice cream. With pints stacked on the floor and an angry stocker looming overhead, Jon had to say something. “So I go into my Rain Man routine,” he says. “Count the vanilla, count the vanilla, gotta count the vanilla.’ Eventually, the stocker just gives up and walks away. And I get my ice cream.”

What’s more impressive is Consumer Reports’ rigorous testing for all appliances and products in their specialized laboratories. Don’t even think about taste testing; preparing for it is serious fucking business.

In the case of the ice cream, the pints are handed off to the magazine’s sensory group. They’ll be just as scrupulous in the testing as Jon was in the buying. “We put things in our mouths that you wouldn’t normally put in your mouth,” says group manager Maxine Siegel. “We’ll use a penny to get a baseline for a metallic taste, Crisco for that fatty mouthfeel, cornstarch mix for a chalky texture. We’ll chew on birthday candles to get a sense of wax.”

Speaking of pennies, if I was a taste tester for Consumer Reports, I would not, under any circumstances, put a penny in my mouth. Pennies are absolutely filthy and have been to many unmentionable places. They are the bottom of the barrel. Don’t trust me? Trust this guy in this UCB video. Not that I would have touched that penny anyway…